First admitance

I am weak in the mind. I have somehow gone from a person who had no fears and was full of life to somebody who does not believe he has the ability to do anything and is afraid of failure at every turn. I need to regain my confidence and use it with humility.

Turning Point

I believe I am at a turning point in my life. Recently I have not lived up to my standards that I have preached and even promised.

From here on out I plan to better myself as a person, as a friend, as a husband, and as a member of this community. I have no idea how this journey will go other than "I will" (not, do my best to) stay on course. I truly deeply believe I have what it takes to be a Leader of high ethics. It is time to find the parts that either I am not using or building those habits.

There is so much wisdom to gain from those willing to share, we just need to want it bad enough to reach out and grab it.

Last night after Chemo

I ended up with a resting heart rate of 126-146, pain in chest, shortness of breath, terrible vision problems... ughh. That and one of my tests came back showing possible signs of either a kidney problem or possible diabetes... either way I am not very happy.

I probably should have gone into the ER last night but I had decided that if I did they would have admitted me like last time and I fear that any hospital stay would show more leave of absence here at work which most certainly end up with me being fired.

Chemo

Today heading back in for another 5-6 hour round of chemo. Here is to killing active Lupus.

Last night I was not sure if today was going to happen, got real sick and just felt like death. Thankful for the meds that I was prescribed for nausea due to chemo as they were strong enough to kick the sick it appears.

I really have such a hatred for me and what I have allowed to happen. I am not happy at this weight, and before anybody says just do some walking and eat better, I suggest you walk a mile with me and see what this degree of lupus is like.

As much as I don't want to swim I think I will end up being a swimmer maybe more than other things. What I really want is to be able to run, ski and bike Arrowhead 135. run the entire length of Superior Hiking trail, run the sustina 100 and maybe even run the Iditarod Invitational. I have taken Badwater off of my list as the thought of 135 miles on a road no longer appeals to me. I want an overly active life and I am so pissed that it seems I can not have it.

Poor Mood,

Another night of no sleep due to pain. How long will I have to live with Pain?

Is it too much to ask for a pain free period in my life? I don't think so!