Long time since last post

I am not sure where I am going to get my motivation, but I am still riding the highs and lows of how my body changes with each Lupus Flare. I won't go into to much detail as it does not matter but when I flare I tend to treat my body very poorly out of frustration/ depression what ever. I need to find the strength or motivation to want the best for myself regardless.

Good news the last few weeks I have been able to sneak in a few 6 mile trail runs with friends, I find walking causes me more issues than running so I am avoiding walking (except when needing the walk break while running).

I am climbing back on the saddle of self worth-respect for myself and see what becomes of it.

I am erasing running goals of 100 mile races, 50 mile races and even any race. I would be very happy to be able to run with friends once or twice a week and not fall so far behind. I remember days of being in the front of that pack, now at 15 minutes I lose sight... that's alright I was there years ago when I started running the first time, so I know that it is possible, the rest is up to me and lupus..

Day 35 and 22 (eating well and running)

I wish I knew the exact dates I had gone off all of my Lupus Medicine but I dont.. roughly I am going to say 3 months no Methotrexate and 2 months no plaquenil.. this is plus or minus 2 weeks.

Starting weight was 240lbs again, so sad and so unhealthy to constantly be gaining and losing weight.
current weight is 219 so down 21 lbs.

I also went Vegan 5 days this week as an experiment, i liked it actually.

missed qi gong this past week due to to much time out of the office, this week I have accupuncture and qi-gong both planned.. ohhh happy days! :)

Finished reading Eat and Run by Scott Jurek, read all of Born to Run and started Chi Running last night.

It really strengthened my wants for this and gave me insight on food and running. I don't think the average runner could just go and start eating like Scott Jurek or the tarahumara indians, but I think with enough patience and time one could get there in there food for running. I have a sudden urge to make Pinole and istaska (sp?) Chia Fresca.

Happy to report the running streak is at 22 days today, ran a mile last night in my Vibrams as well, have a little bit of a sliver in my heel feeling, I am sure it is from the one mile run in barefoot shoes... but not worried about it.

Here is to another good week.

Day 28 and 15

Day 28 of officially throwing Western Medicine away for anything other than traumatic injuries etc. day 15 for running. Lupus is about in the same state that it was a month ago, I have the occasional neuro symtom (rining in ears, tremors etc but none of that bothers me anymore, no real issues, heart has really stabilized and actually has come down in beat count for resting, my BP is out standing, 109 over 69 my energy level rocks in the morning, I sleep until 5:30 ish and I don't feel like a zombie. Starting to see some clearing in my rashes on my face. My tendonitis and back pain feels 90 percent better most of the time, there are some moments occasionally that it is at a high level, but I have learned to manage it so far with breathing, and most importantly I look back on the past 24 hours and become truthful with myself and how I might have caused it by worrying to much. We have a lot of worries right now, financially I see us in ruin with in 6 months unless something happens for the plus or atleast nothing worse happens on the horizon. But maybe that will be a blessing that I have been looking for. Not sure how one can look at a financial ruin as a blessing (caused by Lupus bills and actions taken for them) but maybe it will knock us down so low that we just live in each moment and are thankful for them. It is the reason why I gave up on Medicine so it might already be showing it's bounty of gifts. Had money not been a issue I would be hooking up to Benelysta or Rituxan monthly right now and I fought that with No's based on I knew we could not afford them. Exhale and Inhale with a smile of renewed spirit and love.

Qi-gong, I did it this week. if you were a non believer and watching from the outside you would laugh and walk away while eating your GMO crap filled Mc Donalds callin me a quack. However as a patient and somebody who believes and really needs this outlet to work I can say that it did. I am ever so thankful for this community for having the Integrative Therapies by the Franciscan Sisters of Perpetual Adoration and the fact they offer this on a fee based services for those in real need as well as for those that can afford, I am on the first half of this statement and they do not judge if I pay only 5 dollars or even if I can not pay any. I start Acupuncture on the 9th, I need to schedule some more in advance as well. I am also going to try cupping and Reki in the next two weeks.

Diet wise I have been spotless  (yesterday was a planned poor performer day, beer and food at a beer and wine festival with my family and I am ok with that) I will not allow a once a month activity to cause stress on my lifestyle choices, it is far better than living that life everyday.  I cut out two mornings of coffee and traded it for tea, and added some Ginger tea and a Licorice Root Tea most nights. I had multitudes of fresh veggies , fruit only small amounts of animal protein. I added flaxseed, hemp protein and some wheat germ to so many dishes. I ate salmon once again this week. THis week on the mornings where I switch out coffee for tea I will switch out for water instead and cut out that mornings caffeine all together. I also bought some tempah to switch out for animal protein in one meal, thinking of making a vegetarian chili or a vegetarian whole grain spaghetti dish with it, salmon probably twice and then animal protein.  I am also thinking about trying one month of being a vegetarian (not a vegan) yet atleast. I am reading a book called Eat & Run by one of the most famous ultra runners, Scott Jurek. He switched to Vegan actually and that is when he felt his body become alive and feel stronger, repair quicker. His experience is a being a Physical therapist in hospitals and seeing people get sicker as they came into the hospitals, he felt the diet the hospitals was offering was part of the reason. Couple things that struck me about this book, were listening to him watch his mother slowly get worse with her MS and him watching her take her mounds of pills. When He was young he was told he needed to be on meds for high blood pressure and he fought it as a kid, he did not want to take meds and get worse and needing more and more of them to take care of the side effects of the other meds.. (pretty observant for a kid) and he fought his parents and Dr's saying he cold fix his high blood pressure on his own... one dr finally gave him a chance and told him to meditate about a place where he was happy, he found that place and they tested him, He was able to bring his blood pressure down on his own.. never had to go on medicines and learned the power of self right there! The other was his Mention of coming across the Book Spontaneous Healing by Dr. Andrew Weil... being I just finished it and read all the cases of people beating even Yes ... Auto Immune diseases. I realized I am so on the right path.

That is a lot of ramble isn't it. lol

15 days of running now, with two runs that were a bit longer. the daily run is only a mile for now but I am happy with that. my "longer run" is 1.5- 2.0 miles in length.. once again. perfectly content with that.. not so long ago I would be trying to push out 6-8 miles already in a hurry to get back to shape.. but I am recognizing this is a journey and someday the path will get me there and when it does that will be great, but in the meantime I celebrate every step.

My weight this morning is 224 (yesterday it was 222) but yesterdays beer festival did that.. LOL. Still 224 is 16 lbs down from my 240 start mark on April 1st. My journey is going to take me to 190-195, when that happens, no worries not in a hurry, this is about being healthy not skinny, no big celebration in 195 if I am still battling Lupus..and the nasty side effects of western medicine.

In the Now Day 21 & 8

21 Days of changed lifestyle and 8 of running.

Had a decent day with my family, listening to all of them talk about what is new and exciting in their lives, I need to spend more time asking questions and listening rather than talking.

Somehow I did something to my back yesterday, I am looking primarily at stress, and what part of yesterdays gathering caused it. Their are several options, 1. stress of showing up later than I planned, all I can really do is not make plans on when I am planning on showing up. 2. stress of what time we were leaving, based on leaving early and how my parents perceived us leaving early instead of spending more time together as they would dream of. 3. the food choices that were there and how they conflict with my lifestyle changes, and worrying about how my parents would perceive me turning my head at their food choices and eating my own offerings instead.. 4. any number of reasons that I might not be aware of. Good news the whole day I was with loved ones, had plenty of oxygen, no shortage of food or water.. so if I reflect on the You are here "now" I had an amazing day and should only be able to count blessings and if somebody is disapointed I need to let them be I guess.

Morning run today in the snow. that was a really good NOW moment.

In the now

I am finding some balance right now, finding a way to run about a mile a day and  finding the motivation with in to keep my diet very well balanced with whole food instead of processed food.

I have been reading spontaneous healing from Dr Weil and Fixing your back by Dr Sarno. All integrative practices, high in doses placebo healing through meditation. So far all is good. I am just  going to remain present with this, no long term goals that I must obtain.

I am good now, and that is what matters.

Finding a new motivation?

I have been very, very, very depressed as of late (the last few months) I get so frustrated with illness and pain and the constants of it. Being mentally connected to running seems to make it only worse, as I see it as something I can't do and long for.

Maybe a new light has shined...?

I have been diving into swimmers accomplishments on the team that I help coach and possibly have found a spark or a reason to try swimming again. Of the swimmers I coach, one has qualified for the National Meet, Two others are tearing up the State meet this weekend in Madison, one of those two are going to be swimming in the  State Games of America this summer since she qualified by winning three gold medals in the Badger games. So these kids might have possibly given me a reason to look at swimming. I believe they could benefit a bit more if I could get in the pool with them and be a training partner this summer. You can only coach so much from the pool deck with age group swimmers.

So I have dusted off the goggles and will be heading back to the pool, probably only one day a week for a bit.

I also think that some of my lupus pain has subsided, but I have been left with a lot of pain still in my IT Band, groin area, etc on my right side. I am going to take a new approach to this and say that I have a Sacroiliac Joint problem which could be causing, Sciatic nerve pain and Piriformis. I am really, really tight in those areas and pretty pressure sensitive in the Piriformis muscle. So, this week I am also going to try and get in to a chiropractor as well as a Myofasial release massage and see what I can do to change that pattern. Who knows... 

Either way, hopefully for awhile swimming allows me to find a new direction to caring for myself and how I treat myself through diet. I am back up to 232 and sick about it, I know I could be up a lot more and not exactly sure why I am not. Bring on a lean and strong 190, I will settle for 205-210 right now, actually I will be excited for 215-220 at first.

So that is my recent life in a nutshell.