fighting what is destroying you

Last night I had another bad night of depression, caused mostly by pain and also the fact well I am just flat out depressed.
I looked at several different ways that I have battled it in the past. I thought of just drinking until I was passed out or dead, I thought about eating so much food that I would be mentally numb and I thought about just loading u on either pain pills or anxiety meds.

Well what I did do was none of that. I did take some pain pills sparingly just to try and conquer the pain. I passed on the alcohol because really i am such a medical mess right now with all the drugs that I really think I do not need to add Kidney or liver damage to my resume (although this was the one I had planned on all day) Food. I was saved by a cellcept cant eat for two hours after or one hour before. I did get a short meditation in last night to try and work through some of this.

Now one might read this and say, well obviously you do not have a problem because if you did you would have ignored the rules of cellcept and not worried about the liver and kidney damage... not true... those just added another battle to my head last night. That and the fact that I am a coward. I have a blood test next week  and if it were off I would have to publicly answer to my dr on a blood test being off and why.

All though I still believe FUCK LUPUS,  I am starting to think I was given it by who evers god  exists so I can stop running away from my problems and be forced to look at them... well that is my theory today, that will change a thousand times I am sure. Today i am in pain and still on the leading edge of a cold and sad as hell. but I will do my best to get through the day.