What I am going to put on here. But I am down and out on the inside. I have been battling a disease called Lupus. it has taken away from me the identity I had worked the hardest to gain.
About 4 years ago, I was 300lbs and a heavy smoker, pretty consistent drinker. I took up running thinking it would hep me give up some of my vices for better... long story short, i went from a 300lb runner to a ultra marathoner running 50 and 100 mile races.
Fast forward a few moments to today, I am walking with a cane and taking way to many meds to try and keep Lupus in check... and not doing a very good job of it. I have had a lot of emotional struggles, mostly because I lost running... not so much that running identified me, even though I tried hard to be identified as a trail runner. But I lost the meditation time of fixing me and releasing the anger inside that would build up from everyday stress.
So now I sit here back up to 245 lbs thanks to depression and Prednisone combined with no exercise.
I dont know how I plan on getting back to a better weight, (atleast where some clothes fit me comfortably) Ireally dont think that is asking for to much. But first I need to work on a replacement for running or at least become a more mental stable person where food and booze will not rush into fix an emotion. Booze really shouldn't have a chance right now due to the meds I am on... but dont put it past me.
Today the only Victory I can report is I acknowledge there is a problem and I need to fix it. That and I passed up a 6 pack of cookies to eat on the way home from the grocery store. : )
Enjoy each moment, it is the one you are living in.
Richard! So glad you are writing. And I had no idea about the other stuff. I'm so proud to know you; to call you my friend. You will find it. I promise you. It will be a battle, but you will find it.
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful to hear your accounts of the struggles in your day, though I wish you were still running and I wasn't reading this blog, as good as it is...Keep plugging...You did it once, you will do it again! Time, patience, and taking up a different form of "meditation" for now. Research ways to calm and clear the mind, find one that fits..
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