Well it is Monday

For sure what that means is I will go to work and I will take at least 20 pills. most likely more.


It should be easy to start off the days in good moods and hope to keep them stable. Reality, I start of so many days on the bad side that it just is not easy.

Need to stay strong. I had a semi decent meditation last night, short; only 5 minutes. When I was taking the dogs out I had a great view of the humidity setting into the Mississippi river it provided me with enough calm to roll over into a short meditation. Reality of the evening, I need an anxiety pill a flexiral and two bendryl eventually to get me to go to sleep.

Today, I need to accomplish so much. I need to spend an uninterrupted hour at work cleaning my office. I need an additional 2 hours uninterrupted to load the website. I wish the uninterrupted part was possible. even if people do not come in and phone calls are not there, and my boss does not give me a list of amazingly him serving not customer serving things that need to be done, I will still have pain, tremors, mental block, anxiety, depression and other.

Any ways, I need to begin the process of taking meds and putting together a nutritious day of food and hope that is not derailed.

Good news was there was a lot of bloat to the 245lbs yesterday as today I am 240. so only 35 lbs to where I wish I was and 20 lbs to an acceptable place.

Bad news, I am fairly depressed today and I do not know why... I have all types of things to blame it on.. but that would just make it easy, it really would not find what the trigger was. So today I will stick with I am depressed and hope t not unfairly cast the blame all day long on everything that appears to make my day harder than it should.