Life

Should not be this hard, nobody should have to operate in so much pain day in and day out, not knowing from moment to moment on what joint is going to not only hurt but mentally fuck you next.

Last night my feet were so arthritic I could not stand, my head was so bad I could not sit or lie down. I took the monsters of the grid iron as far as pain killers go (stronger than morphine) and it didn't do shit.

I feel like I am at the end of my rope, I do not even want to talk with people as I am just to angry. I am sick an tired of peoples neediness over small items. (like the the industry I am in) Now when someone complains about there boat, I just want smack them and say Fuck YOU! I will give you some problems. Not sure where this is coming from I have never been this person. I know there are millions of people that could look at me and smack me and say the same thing. But you know what, my problems are big to me... so I dont care.

I think I need to remove myself. From what I do not know. But I need something to change and currently doing the same thing day after day is not getting any better results.

I need to find the victory in the day, maybe it will be small but I have to look for a victory in each day. Maybe it is I took 8 pain meds vs 9... maybe it is I didnt feel the need to smack somebody, maybe it is I didnt cry over the fact that I feel like I am loosing my job because I can no longer do it. I dont know, time will tell. but for now. my victory is I know that i need a victory rather than more defeats.

I used to break my running down that way, I looked at sections of a trail rather than the full distance and my goal was always just to get through a section strong rather than looking at the entire mountain.

So today I need to start moving pebbles not the entire mountain at once.